renter blues

Why is it so hard to find normal people to rent our house? I wish I could change the listing to just head off all these weirdos at the pass.

--Your aunt's fiance's cousin may not live here with you.

--No, we will not rent to you if you lie to us about your reason for moving, especially when we discover through your background check that you're going through a bankruptcy you failed to alert us about. (Especially when the rent payment is $50 MORE than your current house payment. Even if you tell us you're selling your cars and getting rid of your pets. No. No. No.)

--No, you may not re-tile, paint, or build on if the spirit moves you and then deduct the work from your rent.

--I beg you, stop saying "get 'er done." Especially while my husband shows you the dimmer switch in the master bedroom.

-- Why does everyone seem to have two massive outdoor dogs? Mike is sure they are all probably named Marmaduke or Clifford, and while I do like our furry friends, the idea of having big dogs tearing up my backyard and barking all day long is frightening to me.

-- Yes, the rent is firm.

-- No shoes, no shirt, no tour of the house.

Any other questions?